22 Things we could do with the money raised from Big Phil's Household Charge.

The Real Big Phil last night at a Press Conference in Kilkinny.

1. Build a generator large enough to harness Ireland's greatest untapped energy source: Cork's self satisfaction.
2. Invest in researching the gene for underachievement in Irish sports teams.
3. Put a ring of steel around Courtown in June.
4. Pay for a search party to find Bertie Ahern's receipts.
5. Dig a hole big enough for Bertie to crawl into. (See above. Keep the topsoil ready,  lads...)
6. Buy enough kebab meat to skewer on the Spire and sell to unsuspecting tourists.
7. Straighten Enda's mouth when in 'sincere mode' 
8. Pay off Joe Higgins
9. Plug in a giant speaker to play 'Bring me Sunshine' on Eyre Square every other day.
10. Finish Croke Park. Seriously.
11. Roller skates for Michael D.  
12. Send Jedward abroad. Just until the coast is clear.
13. Zogabongs (What Zig and Zag had on their heads).
14. Tie a yellow ribbon around every millennium tree planted in sympathy with 'da pooer plane paypel of  Ireland'.
15. Get Benji Riordan to wrap his tractor round at least one (with thanks to Brendan Grace).
16. Find a use for Leitrim, beside Section 23, cos that worked.
17. Have Teddy's Ice Cream open 24 Hours.
18. Remove all the fencing along the Cliffs of Moher.
19. Provide people with the skills to do the Irish Times Cryptic Crossword. It's not right to think you're clever cos you can finish the Simplex, and aul wans are racing away with the weird looking puzzle to the left. It's Ireland's real dirty little secret.
20. Canonize Daniel O'Donnell.
21. Get loadsa to ducks to nest on Leinster Lawn during the Dail Term.
22. Finally get the Angelus bells to overlap properly with Metallica.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Really.

Check out Martyin Turner's cartoon of the unctious Pee Flynn. If only you could get it printed on loo roll. I couldn't find it online, but jeez, this pic gives you a good idea:

Yours to cut out and keep. On the mantelpiece to keep the little 'uns away from the fireplace. urrgh *shudders*....


If nothing else, the Mahon Report will cause those, whose fattening snouts were stuck in the national trough of dodgy dealing and parish pump hustling (see above) to get their oily, curly tails yanked for good measure in print, albeit belatedly, to the disgrace of our society. 


The other thing which is fun to observe is the Irish Times or Sam Smyth or Fintan O'Toole  jump up and down about the fact that, like the smart kid in class who knows the answer to an awkward but obvious question. They were right all along. But how good is it to be right about the fact that in Ireland, we have a sneaking regard for two bit chancers and local hoodlums parading as 24 carat statesmen and figures of reverence? To know that really we can't help our basest desires for money and low brow influence and not be listened to is really a damning indictment of our collective standards for ourselves.  


One question remains unanswered is: will anyone actually swing for this? Probably not. So we may pillory while the Mahon sun shines. Let the games begin. 

The Mother of All Women

Mammy relaxing in her luxurious pad...

Here's the link for my feature article published in the Irish Examiner yesterday, March 14th, 2012. Really chuffed with it. As someone said,  "let's see what a guy with a German mother has to say about his experience of Irish mammies." Love it.

the link is here: The Mother of All Women

Note: Thanks to those who helped - interviewees, friends and everyone else. More to come! (that's enough fawning, get back to work!-ed.)