| Mesut Oezil. Really. |
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Throw the Booker at them.
Although Toibin happens to be the greatest creator of fiction we've produced since Bertie Ahern's legal team at the Mahon Tribunal, the great man is in danger of becoming the Ivan Lendl of international literature. Unless judging committees for book prizes stop infusing their decisions with the cruel pleasure of deliberately overlooking a man whose persistence, let alone talent, deserves to be rewarded, Toibin's only comfort will be when he wins the Nobel Prize. This of course will be soured by the BBC calling him British, and you just can't unring a bell.
Given his perceptibly shabby treatment by Booker, Toibin's next novel will be called "The Testament of Colm" and will consist of: one slightly scrappy looking jotter page, drenched in a tin mug of Pernod, with four words scrawled in regularly interchanged order over and over again: when, prize, give and sodding.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Schürrle not!
Say what you like about the Irish team, chances are you have. Nonetheless, they looked an awful lot less embarrassing (and embarassed) than every previous game during Trapp's tawdry stint as Irish coach, when they were clunky, fearful and losing. They were respectably rubbish. Oddly, though, Germany weren't much better. They gifted two soft goals, and one which was every bit as poetic, every bit the contradiction to the German character. Andre Schürrle balanced a ball as if it were a bubble in danger of bursting, turned himself carefully and planted it with the grace of the White Swan into the Irish net. Eat your heart out, Natalie Portman.
Even in the most pedestrian of things, you can find a little beauty. Germany does simple things well. The tale of Germany's football resurrection starts with a man in the German FA getting into his car, driving across Germany and doing clinics in close ball skills in every backwater he could find, where there was even a suggestion of football being played. The likes of Schürrle came out of that. A simple plan gave rise to the poetic.
To steal a line from Yes, Minister. the match may have been a dunghill, but it grew a beautiful rose. Shame it was against us...
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Little Boy Blue (-shirt) and Labour's Love's Lost
Like all children, he didn't want to admit that he got it wrong, in all humility. And like all childish things - he tried to break up with 29 FG Senators, who got an electorate less responsive than Ariel Sharon plugged out to explain in no uncertain terms that breaking up is hard to do.
This'll get awkward when they keep turning up, persistently giving him gifts, like a gun rack for their 'anniversary'. Not having a need for a rack, not possessing a gun or guns for that matter, poor Enda will have to keep smiling through his buachaill grin until he looks again like a man of indeterminate middle age clothed in Enda's very own suit.
Meanwhile Eamon Gilmore. Nuff said, really. My wife and I once went to lunch with Michael D. and by the end he had me volunteering to canvas for Labour. No really, it's not a joke. Still waiting for the punchline nevertheless.
Meanwhile, here's footage from FG's first day back in Leinster House; Upper House undemolished.
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Love/Hate and Wagner: What the Seanad Debates Showed Me
There he's sat in the Seanad chamber, our Minister (sorry...JUNIOR Minister. By the way, why is minister even capitalised?) telling John-Boy Crown he likes to lick himself at night. Cue the outrage and the pompous defending of comments in the subsequent non-news cycle. You wonder why they would abolish the Seanad.
I still believe in its current form, the Seanad's one redeeming feature is it has the possibility of circumventing the parish pumpery of the lower house. By allowing panels of candidates to be elected by varied interests, like the colleges, you give an in to politics for the voices in a society instinctively suspicious of the educated as Ireland. The Seanad is, however, only as good as its members, and this is no golden age of parliamentarians. There's no WB Yeats or Mary Robinson sitting in those smurf-arse blue Bargain Town dining room chairs.
Sending Hayes in to rile the few Senators present with his iPad and his street-style 'tude has its own delicious irony. He's no Yeats and he's definitely no Robinson. What he represents in politics is the piggy for whom one end of the trough used to be as good enough as the other. When he wasn't good enough for his constituency, where did he find safe harbour? Hayes obviously doesn't think he needs them anymore. All trapeze artists think they don't need the net until they half way down and wondering what will stop them smashing into the dirt.
If politics is a theatrical Gesamtkunstwerk, then Hayes is Alberich in Das Rheingold: he's renounced love and will steal their gold. The Rhein maidens, who I assume are Fidelma Healy-Eames and Ivana Bacik in blondie-Fraeulein wigs, are warbling their distress to Pat Kenny, who in this case is Wotan, having the giant Denis build him Valhalla in a Dublin 2 office block behind a Sally Army hostel. The production is only marginally worse than this year's Bayreuth, and the score's been switched with a Big Tom chord book.
I want my money back. I love politics 'n' all, but...
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Big Dave
On Enda...
On the Regina monologues...
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
A Day Well Spent...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Deutschland Ueber Alles - Day 2
| a "something"-eating grin... |
One of the interesting things about the Anglo Tapes scandal is its ability to independently throw up distraction from the big issues. The central issue of the Anglo Tapes is of course that Irish bankers are not only highly skilled business people, wedded to due diligence, but when they get together, they make funnies like a boss.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
The O'Bamas Came "Home" - 50 years after JFK, they buggered off farily lively...
Saturday, June 08, 2013
The Seanad. And the way it might look at you. . .
Today, we go audio!!!!!!!! To discuss the impending abolition of Seanad Eireann, and the real reason Enda wants rid of it.
Enjoy!
Guten Morgan: A Regularly Irregular Look At Ireland by Donnchadh Morgan on SoundCloud
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Martin Prince and Alan Shatter: Never seen in the same room together...
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| Minister Shatter in better times |
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| Robert Plant about to beat that annoying antique dealing kid from the 80's in a game of rock paper scissors |
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Some things just can't be spoken
Watch "Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry - Where is the Lid?" on YouTube
When you click the link above, you'll understand. Some things defy prose and need to be sung. Like a spot of bloody sunshine.
It just so happens that in a world filled up with banalities, our little country seems a much more wonderful place when sun makes its overdue return, though is nonetheless less likely to stay for a week like Billy Connolly and even less likely to give out to photographers.
In a week where carbon dioxide levels reached 400ppm, when the earth's climate is projected to be at prehistoric heights by the end of the century, Ireland remains damper the dampy dampington, the dampest fish on the dampest fishtank in the parish of St. Fluich.
I'll happily take any inkling of this and burst into song when the weather's like today.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Mrs. Sylvia Hughes reports from the Champions' League
Efficiency.
Brutal
Ruthless
efficient again....
ich ich ich
Panzerman, panzerman
I could hardly speak after Dortmund, soon to be eviscerated by fully tax compliant Bayern Munich, followed them with a powerhouse performance, I've struggled to watch in snippet form on YouTube.
Then I read the first match reports this morning and the 'e' word emerged.
| Rafa Honigstein's spiritual predecessor |
German football up the the late 70's was as carefree, physical, damn it, as fun as last night and last Tuesday. But not many people want to hear it in our part of the world, for it exposes an offensive ignorance of the whole central European culture of football. The person I blame however, for turning every match report involving a Bundesliga side into a fugue of Plath's most harrowing work is Lothar bloody Matthaeus. A man so steady, so physical, so reliable. Eff...well, you get me. He was all that, but, like a 1982 Ford Fiesta that just keeps going, he was as boring as hell, and likewise you could hear him coming two blocks away. Thanks God he retired and is a distant memory. After this week, he is for sure.
Boring old Lothar, we have had to kill you. Efficient German football, we're through. Just tell the copy editors, ok?
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
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| The Minister |
Good thing, then, that Leo Varadkar knows so much about transport policy, given his many years of study in medical school.
Nothing beats the phrase 'suitably qualified', though 'rentamouth' is quite appealing too.
Good thing also, that the trade unionist in question knows so much about negotiation.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Ciao Papa! An Essay 15 Years on.
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| The Honourable Member for Eastleigh |
It couldn't be true, but already there are the tell tale signs: the collection of signed copies of John Cleese's self-help books in the pontifical library; the desire to be neither one thing nor the other, from God's Rottweiler to slightly twinkly Pontifex. And there's a nagging feeling that Chris Huhne may try to make a spectacular, yet utterly miscalculated late run in the Conclave next week; and that's why he resigned his seat in the House of Commons. Anything's possible: even Ikea furniture could be made of horse.
Anything is indeed possible. It's fifteen years to the day since another priest parted the scene, namely my late father, Dermot Morgan, who played priests among his many guises. He had a few more though: father, brother, husband, partner, pal, teacher, writer, columnist (The Sunday Tribune and Evening Herald got some great copy from him, showing his intelligence and whimsy).
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| Not the Honourable Member for Eastleigh |
But there's one more. Last Sunday on his archive show, John Bowman used Dermot's greatest professional moniker: satirist. Yes, he was a comedian, writer and allsuch and more, but he was always more Armando Ianucci than Hal Roach. The sad part is, that with very few examples, satirists seem to be an endangered species when we need them the most.
More than ever, the country's high and mighty need the arse ripped mercilessly out of them. Not because it's funny, but because there is still a level of buffoonery dripping off the backsides of the big (almost exclusively) men on Merrion Street that needs to be scooped up and slapped all over their faces. There's still too much lazy consensus and even lazier discourse; not nearly enough humility from our public representatives who still confuse the national interest with their own interest. There are very few exceptions indeed, in that septic tank of swollen egos and stupidity. You get the government you deserve.
The country is ripe for satire.
Let's not confuse Mike Yarwood with Jonathan Swift. Let's not think 'cos someone can make people laugh it means you have taken on Dermot's mantel. He did both. He walked that tightrope himself, with varying degrees of success. And he paid the price for being, in the final analysis, true to himself.
They're out there, though. Watching The Irish Pictorial Weekly and their like minded brethren, for example, makes me think of the natives malevolently lurking in the bushes in Fitzcarraldo. Enda is Klaus Kinski, so. Ollie Rehn is Werner Herzog.
I'm (very cautiously) optimistic, but we've been here before.
Satire, as Swift said, is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own. We need that glass held up more than ever, to beat the bastards over the head with it.
Anything is still possible. Everything's still to play for. Happy anniversary, Pops.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
#popening
It was originally published on Tuesday, is on my Blog on Thursday, which means it should cause outrage in the Daily Mail, giving Hilary Mantel a breather by next August.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Pope-a-dope
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| Und Tschuess... |
I would like to thank my friends, family and colleagues for all their support in my decision, and would ask you to respect my privacy at this time.
I would also like to thank the Holy Father for scheduling his stepping-down for the forthcoming 15th anniversary of the death of my father. I didn't think he'd do it, but he has just DM'd me on Twitter to confirm as much.
He was also good enough to deny rumours that he is to replace Rafa Benitez as Chelsea Manager.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Clarifying Labour's Position on Abortion
Labour has come in for some criticism about its vote on Clare Daly's private member's bill this week in the Dail. On the surface, it looks like Labour's TDs voted against legislating for abortion. It's time to set the record straight, before misconceptions spiral out of control.
Labour TDs - the ones who were turned up - didn't vote against abortion, they simply didn't vote for legislating for the X-Case and that's totally different. Furthermore, the voting strategy of Labour had nothing to do with parliamentary gamesmanship or engaging party political tactics. This was about waiting for the report from the Expert Group - the bits that weren't leaked - and coming to a rational and responsible decision in due course, a mere 20 years after the Supreme Court were capricious enough to rule in favour of a teenage rape victim terminating a pregnancy she never wanted.
Having come out from under their desks, Labour are now standing tall (look at Brendan Howlin) and taking a principled lead. Never mind that every Fine Gaeler, the TDs of the senior coalition partner, voted against the bill. Sure, FG is the party of Michelle Mulherin, the Devil's Nuala, and stands for cut backs to, well, everyone. Literally. With a machete. At least that's how it's been since Garret left and took the party's only functioning braincell back to Palmerstown Road without telling Alan Dukes.
No no, Labour are making a brave stand for proper legisl...regul....whatever Eamon and Enda tell them to stand for, and not what James Reilly blurts out either and then flatly denies saying, one second later.
This is about leadership and meeting groups of experts. Nothing more. All in its own good time.
This is intellectual rigour (mortis).
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Yes. But No.
The shock result of the referendum - and we're only talking in preliminaries, so we can't leap to judgement - is that 40% of people don't like children, and - quel surprise - many of them are working class. The shock result - and we can't leap to judgement - from the preliminary results is clear: knackers hate children.
Anyone who voted no obviously has contempt for the progenitors of ruined dinners out, pub floors sticky with Club Orange and King Crisps, for Star Wars' Jar Jar Binks and the scourge of Balamory. None of the no votes have anything to do with the government, side isues, a lack of understanding of the reasons for the amendment, moral, ethical or legal reasons; and absolutely nothing to do with the arch villain of the Yes campaign, Alan Shatter. Anyone who voted no gleefully slips notes under the doors of National Schools with the phrase 'There is no Santa' scrawled in crayon, and they genuflect when they hear the theme song to Jim'll Fix It.
I would instinctively have voted yes. Reading the proposed amendment, however, I noticed it did a passable impression of half baked adoption legislation being shoehorned into the constitution. The constitution, as I understand it, is a basic law upon which the legal and ethical principals of a state are based, not the day to day laws which emanate from it. To me, the presence of specific sanctions regarding adoption lead to unease about voting yes. As I considered my vote, should I have taken a leap of faith that politicians will always do and say what is right, or should I demand greater intellectual rigour in creating the laws of the land?
Could this issue have been dealt with in legislation? Were all avenues exhausted in dealing with the nuts and bolts details of adoption legislation, of child welfare legislation, before taking the drastic and costly step of amending the constitution, a step that needs careful and intelligent judgement.
Furthermore, given the comments of someone like Alan Shatter - who appears to gleefully wallow in his own perceived (and utterly misplaced) superiority over anyone who disagrees with him - a yes vote begins to wobble. What I had as misgivings about the amendment, has lead to one clear decision: following his masterclass in pomposity on Radio One this morning, I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever *breathes in* EVER vote as directed by Minister Shatter, without prior legal and psychiatric advice.
The local yahoos who spoiled their votes with tiresome slogans about Sean Quinn are in the extreme minority. And there is admittedly also a teeny weeny minority who will always be too stupid to vote even in the X-Factor. The right wing nutters who think the constitutional amendment would allow children to be taken away on the whim of the state were negligible in number, but they were noisy and disingenuous, and got airtime thanks to that annoying but necessary evil, the McKenna judgement. That's before any Supreme Court judgement makes the yes campaign look like they're trying to pull a fast one over the electorate, even if that appearance is entirely unfounded, giving the nutters unwelcome ammo.
Not everyone who voted no, however, could possibly be extremist or stupid. Not everyone who voted no can have had a disregard for the rights of children or be susceptible to conspiracy theories. And not everyone who voted no has contempt for the rights of children.
I didn't like the amendment, because it looked like Fisher Price legal practice attempting to address (ironically) very grown-up legal problems. Rather than poo poo the levels of the no vote and the low turn out, those in power need to examine how they deal with complex constitutional issues and how they choose to debate its (de-) merits. In a country that has failed children as spectacularly and as criminally as Ireland, in a society that connived either by action or by silence in the treatment of children, this referendum campaign did absolutely nothing to make amends.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Christmas.Yes. Already.
Another interesting fact from this report was that the average socializing spend this year will amount to €177.90. The average punter in 2006 would have taken that out as 'just in case money' going up and down Wexford Street, whilst Bertie smirked at us benevolently from every street corner. I once ordered a €6 pint of Guinness - it was not, as you'd imagine for the price, poured personally by Arthur Guinness, as the Rolling Stones did an acoustic set just for little me. It was in fact bought in a crowded city center boozer, where everyone was hammered and the music was awful. The only thing impressive was that it didn't kill me: It was the worst pint I ever drank and tiny Euro symbols got lodged in my windpipe.
It leads me to wonder about other numerical figures that came out today and what they say about Ireland; the pay of some IRBC executives tipping the half million mark being one, the greatest irony being that Fianna Fail's Michael McGrath asked the question to get the answer. FF as the 'bFF' of probity and prudence? I even spotted a Tamworth outside wearing a bomber jacket and goggles, reading a well-thumbed copy of 'Biggles'.
Another startling stat was in education. 90% of the total secondary school population now goes to complete their schooling. Fifteen years ago it was just over 80%. The worst performing areas are Limerick and Dublin cities. In other news, bears seen sensationally walking towards forest with bumper pack of Charmin loo-roll to prove a point. So poor is the state of Irish education that the question has to be asked, how many students could actually spell 'Biggles' at a push? Answers on a postcard to Enda. He's not in the office today, so be patient.
| Ready for Take Off... |
All our problems, however, are about to be solved! We've got a referendum on children on Saturday. If the turnout's high enough for a No vote, then children will be abolished. We'll use the freed up cash to develop a time machine, so uncle Arthur can pull me a decent pint. Alternatively, though more realistically, we could plump up the IRBC's executive wage bill.
It's all about priorities.





