Pope-a-dope

Und Tschuess...

I'm using this opportunity, as Father Vince Lombardy reads out Pope Benedict's statement of resignation, to officially rule myself out of the running to replace Pope Benedict as supreme Pontiff and wearer of the (Prada) shoes of the fisherman.

I would like to thank my friends, family and colleagues for all their support in my decision, and would ask you to respect my privacy at this time.

I would also like to thank the Holy Father for scheduling his stepping-down for the forthcoming 15th anniversary of the death of my father. I didn't think he'd do it, but he has just DM'd me on Twitter to confirm as much.

He was also good enough to deny rumours that he is to replace Rafa Benitez as Chelsea Manager.