PD: Right, I'm ready ready ready, ready to run!
DM: The Dixie Chicks, eh??
PD: What can I say, I like the cut of their
jip! Some candidate somewhere in the shticks is also probably playing Long Time
Gone out a megaphone system in between appeals for a number one vote, so chalk
it down to nostalgia.
DM: Well we had Jennifer Murnane-O'Connor of
Fianna Fail driving her Battle Bus...hatchback round our estate with a very
large loudspeaker calling for Carlow to have a university. It was like The Last
of The High Kings around here...Really it resembled the German capitulation in
Downfall, though...
PD: I think you can tell a lot about a
constituency based on the wagons used to convey The Message. A hatchback in
Carlow, august university town that it is, is one thing, but in Donegal you
need a tractor
As for Kerry...what's the name of that thing
John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara were corting on in The Quiet Man?
DM: I think it was heavily censored lust, no? A
love of Shamrock Rovers and ginge? I love the fact his name as actually
Marian...
PD: That's interesting actually because Marian
Finucane's real name is John.
DM: It all makes sense: and they both sound the
same too: "Now Noel Whelan, will ye take em to Missouraaaa*wheezes*"
It was pulled by the only Green party member in
Kerry. The trapped him wit the promise of organic Latte. Dead giveaway in
Chiarrai.
PD: Ah, Noel Whelan, he's like what you'd get
if you crossed an expert statistician with Springfield's education strongman Leopold. It looks like Kerry are going to elect two
Healy-Raes this year, their numbers are good and as this attempt at Bohemian Rhapsody proves, vote management
is being well thought through. Is this the renaissance for drink driving we've
all been waiting for?
DM: are you LOCAAAAAL? Arthur Spring seen
blacking out some of his teeth for the last week's canvass...But it does bring
us to the big question: who the hell is going in and what's going on with all
the polls. Which are plainly insane....
PD: A Labour guy who does something as notiony
as run a smoothie bar would need more than that in Kerry these days mind.
You're quite right though, the polls are bizarre like the lyrics of New Zealand's finest pop song I mean, in Kerry
Martin Ferris is apparently in trouble (and not in the usual way) yet in Clare
Sinn Fein look likely to win a seat, where they've not been strong since
DeValera was dressing up as a lady to break from prison.
DM: That was purely a comfort thing, Dev was
always more of a coulottes kinda gal...it got worse with the conflicting reports
as to how much Labour will be destroyed next Friday, though one local of Joan
Burton's constituency, who was by no means antipathetic towards Labour said she
was in big trouble. So it must be true...
PD: This local, It wasn't Leo Varadkar was it?
DM: Now that you mention it, the blond wig and
boots didn't sit right...
But of I could offer Joanie some last minute
advice: stop referring to Inda as 'a certain special/important/doe-eyed
individual. You will get this reaction:
PD: At last, a viable definition and use of
Fiscal Space!
DM: *grabs bucket and pulls to face* Thanks
Paddy *wipes chin* But speaking of fiscal space, and made up numbers, Mary Lou
had the best line claiming to Ivan Yates that SF's numbers weren't plucked out
of hers or anyone else's arse...
PD: "Has Gerry Adams being hiding poll
numbers up his hoop for over forty years?"
DM: That would explain his eerie smile...So any
predictions at this late stage, other than a lack of political leaders who want
to go on Sean O'Rourke?
PD: In fairness, you'd be mad to go on with
Sean, Destroyer of Distressingly Crafted Messages. Hmm, let's see...I predict
leather jacket catalogue model Eamon Ryan will win in Dublin Bay South, a
constituency which sounds like it does the best carvery this side of the M50. I
predict Sinn Fein will win 7 out of the 18 Border seats but Gerry will resign,
the party leadership to Mary Lout or Pearse, the best beard title going to
Padraig MacLochlainn. I predict Galway West's count will last until the next
election. And I really think it's only a matter of time before Chris Martin and
Gwyneth Paltrow get together again.
DM: Yip. I just dread to think which Irish
politico will do a Gwynneth adn claim to have the rear of a 22 year old pole
dancer...
DM: AS for the rest, brace yourself, because by
next week, I think a few more of the over 60's could be culled. And if he's not
careful Enda wil be dictating/asking Frank Flannery to write his memoirs
earlier than he thought...
PD: I agree. Enda really has to shape up or the
only thing he'll have successfully recovered is Fianna Fail.
DM: Sad but true. They're four points off
and despite RTE's protestations yesterday, FG's message ain't hitting home.
unless he's a sleeper, placed in FG by JAck Lynch. And 'Fiscal Space' was the
trigger phrase...#mayonchuriancandidate
Worse yet,
Labour TDs are very much hitting home, as in this time next week most of them
will be staying in watching Jeremy Kyle in their slippers. Mind you, it's a bit
more civilised than the Dail anyway...
